Dear God,

I like to hang out with you but recently I’ve lamented with a couple of friends about how it takes discipline. You see, I know silence, prayer, absorbing the scriptures etc are good and for the most part I really enjoy them but they don’t come easily often enough. They take conscious effort and the discipline of routine. Frankly, I can understand why people walk away from the faith or don’t bother.

Now, I’m not saying that as some sort of passive aggressive threat, like I might walk away, heaven forbid. I find Jesus far too compelling for that and as much as I struggle with bits of the Bible He continually draws me towards something that transcends who I am now and the world I see around me. He says there is something deeper, bigger, better; that it has been, is and is coming and that somehow I’m a part of it. He commands my attention and really is my Master in all the best ways possible. I’m in this for the long haul. I’m committed and my love for you drives deep, but sometimes I wish you’d cut through, show up in a way that blows my mind and make the compulsion to do the disciplines and the strength of character to follow through, second nature.

This sounds strange considering I’m the guy who encourages people towards this stuff, but I’ve never said it would be easy. It’s at this point that I question whether or not writing this letter openly is a good idea. The last thing I want to do is give fodder to the atheists who might pounce on this as an argument to show there really isn’t a God and I also don’t want to give the raging Pentecostals/charismatics the ammunition to say my faith and way of practicing it is dead and that I just need their passion and formula. You know as well as I do though, that a bunch of my penty friends will relate to this completely. I dread the answers other people might give about how I could have those amazing experiences of you, or the opposite – why I should be happy with the glimpses I get. I also don’t want others to think this stuff isn’t worth pursuing just because it takes a bit of discipline… not religiosity… discipline.

But still, I would like a little more than the hints of that still small voice from time to time. I’m not demanding it, I just know that I’m looking down the barrel of having to fight for this my whole life – making sure I eat right, sleep right and exercise right so that I’ve got what it takes to truly give the disciplines the devoted time with you that they deserve and so I can live in a way that flows from those times. It all works together. That’s no slight on grace; instead it’s just a recognition of my side of this relationship thing and how weak I am at it. Nor is it about a lack of recognition of those times when I’ve experienced something of you… but I even second guess those from time to time.

I wish it was so much easier and you’re God so I’d think you could make it heaps smoother. I know the theological arguments about what you intended, the fall and how much of our nature gets in the way, but even in the face of that you’re God, I’m sure you could make it simpler.

As I write this there is that still small voice niggling in the back of my head though. It tells me it’s good for me; that when I fight for it, when I’m disciplined and when I work my whole being towards catching glimpses of you I draw nearer to the nature you intend for me. It shapes me. It helps me see the grace you’ve given freely. It opens the door you’re always knocking at. That’s probably your voice and I get it, but you know how it is… sometimes I’d just like more. I’d just like something that shuts the critics up. When I talk about the critics, I’m talking about my own head as well. It’s probably worse than most of the stuff other people try and throw my way.

All that said, you know I’ll keep with it and I trust that you know best, but hopefully you’ve heard what I had to say. I feel better for saying it. Thanks for putting up with me.

Cheers.