Since the horrific shootings at the mosques in Christchurch, Aotearoa New Zealand has, for the most part, beautifully united in its grief and its demonstration of compassion towards the Islamic community who were the target of the attack. The response of the Muslim community has been gracious, welcoming, hospitable and loving. That show of compassion has been a wonderful demonstration to the world of the best of who we are, and who we can be as a nation. We can’t ignore some horrible truths about ourselves as well, but we have demonstrated something wonderful.

In the immediate aftermath of the attack, I flew to Christchurch to support reporters and journalists on the ground, but as a pastor who cares about people, relationships and community, it is now that my nervousness kicks in – it’s a nervousness for our nation.

Since the attack happened there have been minor, but visible cracks in our unity. For some, the grief was intense, yet for others it wasn’t. For some, the way to process it was to focus close to home, for others it was to draw attention to global geopolitical events and analysis. Every act of compassion also had its critics. Those differences grated significantly in some places, but it is from here where they can begin to truly divide relationships and communities. People will see and feel those differences as rifts and disagreements on deeply held value systems. Those rifts won’t only appear in the issues directly connected to this – the emotion and tension will bleed over into many other things we hold to.

There are challenging conversations that we must have if we are to avoid simply sweeping this under the carpet in the hope that we can carry on like it never happened. As we move forward in dissecting what took place and determining how to move forward, disagreements will naturally arise. In this context, those disagreements come with a tension they would not normally be charged with. People from all sides will have valid opinions, some more well thought out than others. The danger at this time is that those opinions could divide us and set us against one another. It won’t be because we should not have those differences, but because the very nature of extremism and the actions that flow from it, is to divide. It takes intention and willpower to combat that.

Back in 2015 I wrote about the strategy of ISIS to engage in terror attacks in order to destroy what they called, the gray zone – the space where Muslims and non-Muslims coexist and do life together. All extremist ideologies seek the same; to pull us away from the middle ground where people of difference engage in true tolerance… not destroying the differences (unless they are truly detrimental to humanity and creation) but seeing one another’s differences and having space for it. The desire of the Christchurch shooter was the same, to spark a war between people who see particular things differently.

For that reason, when we lose our tolerance for difference, our ability to dwell together breaks down, and our patience and grace towards one another becomes frayed, extremist ideologies begin to win. They tap into our basest and worst instincts; instincts that surface when we are tired and worn down by grief. We cannot let that happen. We must not fall into the trap that extremism places before us. We must learn to distinguish between what truly requires a forceful and unabashed response, and what are differences that can exist in the same space.

Already, with the eyes of a pastor, I can see a few marriages around me facing tension. I can see friendships strained. I can see people discontented with how they feel their churches have responded. I can see relationships within various communities becoming frayed – all of this because of different understandings of what has happened and differences in processing it. This will only heighten in the days, weeks, and months to come. Hear me, usually it’s those closest to us and that are most like us where the differences are most grating. It’s because we expect those close to us to share our values and respond to such things in the same way. When they don’t, tension occurs.

Make no mistake, extremism has the ability to break us if we don’t intentionally combat what it calls us to. For that reason we must radicalise in the opposite direction of it. We must hurry to build spaces of coexistence where people who are different from each other, dwell together and have room for one another. We must rush to clamber over fences and walls that would normally keep us apart. We must engage in abundant grace and patience towards one another even when it’s difficult to do so. We must be quick to listen and slow to anger. We must seek to hear one another, to understand one another, to accept that we will not all see things the same way. We must know when to agree to disagree while maintaining relationships and a sense of our own unique identity. As we seek ways to do this, never underestimated the power of shared coffee and meals, and stepping with humility into the spaces where others dwell, in order to learn.

We must intentionally place love at our foundation, not just for those who we find easy to love, but for those we find hard to love as well… and for those who do not love us. It’s the latter that is a real test of character. It’s easy to love those who love us, but it’s hard to love those who grate on the core of our being. Yet it will take exactly that to beat extremist ideologies that promote violence against any community. We must also know, as pointed out by a fellow pastor, that love is the long game that gets played out with a generational mindset. It means that we need to know and be ready for the fact that often, it will feel like we’re losing. We should do it anyway.

We cannot afford to simply play this out with instinct. When our fears and insecurities have been tapped into, the instincts that flow from them will divide and destroy us. We must check ourselves regularly and seek to rise above fear and insecurity. This will take us walking towards each other. It means intentionally, fueled by empathy and compassion, walking towards those we disagree with and who are different from us – hearing and learning from one another.

None of this will be easy, and it will take leadership from those who recognise the rifts and wish to heal them. Our current environment, with its propensity towards reductionist tribalism and seeming inability to grapple with nuance, is the playground of division and the breakdown of community between those who differ from one another. For that reason we must have eyes to see and ears to hear one another. It must be accompanied by the gentleness and kindness, with a backbone of steel, needed to respond in a way that speaks to the best of who we can be as human beings.

As we seek to combat extremism, may we rush towards a deep peace/salam/shalom, and may we be willing to undertake the hard work it requires to make it a reality.