Yesterday I posted a picture of my new devotional journal on Instagram/Facebook. I had already started writing and reflecting on something in it. Because it’s rather personal I deliberately blurred out what I was writing about so it would be unrecognisable. Predictably I got some Facebook messages asking me what was on that page (aside from the obvious picture of the Eucharist). Some people were naturally curious.

I got nervous at being asked and had an insecure internal response. Because that was my reaction I had to ask myself why and whether or not keeping it private is actually a worthy response. There are some things I will keep private simply because I should, but if my reaction is one of nervousness and insecurity then it’s worth challenging that within myself.

Some of it is unreadable so in the interest of transparency, it’s some reflections around food and eating.

I have finally come to the realisation that I have an entirely unhealthy relationship with food. You may not know it looking at me because a few years of commuting to and from work on a bicycle has enabled my body to be very forgiving of what I throw at it in terms of nutrition – or lack thereof. I have also gone through times where I have dropped weight quickly from being intensely disciplined for short bursts. But for various reasons over the winter we have just had, I was not cycling and during that time I have put on a few kg and my lack of control has become very apparent to me.

This is my confession… I do not binge and purge, I am not anorexic and I have not expressed my addiction to poor food in a way that has taken me into obesity, but I am addicted nonetheless. I sneak food. When on my own and traveling I choose options like burgers at McDonalds. I love meat pies and for a period there I was eating them most days. Sometimes I would have a meat pie and a V for breakfast. I have a thing for sugary soda. I love chips/crisps and things like Twisties, Burger Rings etc. I can eat stacks of those in one go. I’ll also treat junk sweets like chips/crisps and munch through them like crazy if they’re there. When I’m at the pub to catch up with friends, I won’t just settle for having a beer even if I’ve just had dinner, I’ll have a compulsion to add things like fries and snack on them even though I’m perfectly controlled with alcohol. When I’m at shared meals or parties with groups, if the food is there I’ll just keep going. Sometimes I’ll try to stop but will have an emotional urge to have more. A side effect of all this is not only a detrimental effect on my body, but a waste of money. Though the effects haven’t been fully realised yet, it also hurts my family. My wife doesn’t get the most healthy husband she could have and the research demonstrates that it’s most likely that my beautiful daughter will follow my eating habits, not those of my wife.

It would be easy to brush it away by pointing out that I’m not as gripped by it as many others, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how I try to swing it, my approach to food is broken and fallen. It’s unhealthy and it needs to change. Sure, technically I know what’s healthy and what’s not. I know what good nutrition is… this isn’t about a lack of education. The problem is emotional, mental and spiritual. It’s about coping with deep compulsions. For that reason I need to treat this like an addiction and allow my internal self to be reshaped accordingly. I am admitting my weakness.

What’s on that page in my journal is the beginning of a journey into reshaping my approach to food and what goes on in my inner-being related to that and when it comes to addictions, it’s best that we don’t keep them quiet – dealing with them in community and with the people around us is the best way forward.

On that page is the beginnings of me shaping what it might be like to approach my connection to food as a spiritual discipline and therefore putting it in its proper place. I know the external justice issues related to food – how what I eat affects the rest of the world, but there is an internal reshaping that needs to take place and that will take long term discipline that begins with my admission of weakness, submission to a transformed way of being and acting towards food and nutrition, and in the process, allowing myself to be made new.

I have no strict plan right now but I know that I want to approach everything I eat and drink with thankfulness, knowing that it is a gift. I don’t want to go on a diet, I want to renew the relationship my entire being has with food and nutrition. I want to eat simply so that when there is celebration and food is involved, then it truly is a celebration and I can enjoy celebratory food without it simply being a continuation of my indulgence. I want joy, not guilt when I eat. I want to be putting in the right nutrition and not caving into emotional compulsions. I no longer want to be enslaved by food. I want fasting, not as a diet but as a spiritual discipline, to be a regular part of my life. I want a redeemed, restored, and reconciled approach to food that reflects the beauty of it.

I can’t do it on my own. I need God’s help and I need your help… and maybe we need each other’s help.